Memorial Day

Every year I age Memorial Day has a little bit more meaning to me. I understand it's significance more each year. And I realize that it's not just a celebration of the lives lost defending our country but also a remembrance of the lives wounded, the families effected, the survivors that are left behind and forced to keep moving forward. What an amazing and emotional day.

In other news,

I had a mini melt down the other night. I'm not handling the fact that my sons are growing up and I'm no longer the main focus of their lives. You have to understand, for YEARS I was their main playmate, their personal chef, the one they ran to for skinned knees, for hugs and kisses, for entertainment, and for love. No ones opinion meant very much except for mine and David's. We were the center of their entire lives. Now they are teenagers and they have friends, girlfriends, school clubs, they have favorite bands, their own favorite tv shows that I don't understand, they have interest outside of our 4 small walls.

I have separation anxiety - just like my little Frankie does when I leave the house. He barks, moans, groans, whimpers, and howls. I do all that too, inside my head, every day.

I know this is unhealthy. The rational side of me is thrilled that my boys are healthy, well adjusted, have friends, have neat interest, I love that they are unique individuals, I love it that they are always learning new things, beginning to think for themselves, and that they are becoming more independent each day.

The irrational side of me thinks why would they want to spend time with anyone besides me or David. Aren't we enough for them? Aren't we fun enough? What is so great about their friends or girlfriends? What can they offer them that we can't?

God, it's just hard letting them go even when it's just a tiny bit at a time. I know it's the natural process of growing up but I didn't expect it to be so hard or it leave me feeling so empty at times.

I know this way of thinking is selffish, immature, and it will pass. I know I'm self indulging.

You will never meet two parents more proud of their kids then me and David are.

I guess I should rephrase what I said earlier ... I should have said that for YEARS they were my only playmates, my world revolved around 2 little boys with bright eyes, contagious smiles, and voices that were memorizing. For YEARS I ran to them for love, hugs, kisses, entertainment and they filled my heart up.

I was happy spending every minute of every day with them. I had no need to make my life outside of our 4 little walls.

I've heard of the phrase "teenage angst" but I didn't know there was parent angst too.

I thank my lucky stars that David and I have each other to stand by one another while our boys get older.

I think this parent angst we're feeling means we're doing a good job if that makes sense.